"Safety First?", we had always heard (
we meaning me and you the reader). Absolutely. so I will confirm that I took the bears (my bears) that I am training for a swim in a very safe fashion. We walked, I talked (
they can't talk back to me cause they're bears), and we did not run anywhere near the pool that I had found for us. I chose a pool in an area that publicized anti-prejudice slogans like "WE BEAR A LOT IN THIS TOWN, BUT WE DO NOT BEAR THIS FAILED ECONOMY". On our training swim, we did sidestrokes, backstrokes, the butterfly, front crawl (actually we call it a frontward creepycrawly), backstroke, the redneck shuffle and of course a couple of nosedives. See, last night's self-loathing gluttony of the pizza meant to rid of the feelings of failure after someone close to us passed away, created a whole new problem not in the DSM Manual of Psychological Disorders:
Indigestion. Ultimately, Cocoa could not, and did not, opt to control herself (is Cocoa a Borderline as the deceased was?) and even as a trained bear potty-trained by moi Cocoa Puffs peed in the pool!
BIOHAZARD!! !
All hell broke loose. Literally. I threw up on the towel basket (
I was upset, cut me some slack). The 13 yr. old volunteer lifeguard called the American Red Cross, who then called the National Guard which made us then HIT THE ROAD JACK!! If any or all of this bear training blog confuses you the reader, go back into my old blogs dated
JULY 26th that discuss my clown training situation. But, I must emphasize that I was not clowning around at the pool when this situation jumped off. I had actually borrowed a hippie van, from a neighbor who ate a slice of my pizza last night, so that I could squeeze all 3 bears to the pool location and secure a "
Buy 3 get one Free" day pool pass. Stupid me with my stomach ache illegally parked in the handicapped lot
(ironically the spot that Dominos Pizza usually grabs when making quick deliveries).
This peeing nightmare has left Jane upset all over again. I (Jane?) will order yet another pizza tonight and over indulge. I (Jane?) will order the pizza with a nice thin crust. I (Jane?) will only order 6 slices and make sure there is no smell of chlorine in my Diet Pepsi. My God, I hope they are running a sale tonight on 6 slice pies (not that I'm trying to be a cheap bastard but the pending hospital bill is gonna kill me)...Glad you find this whole situation "funny". I feel nauseas.
Second Part of this Horror Story- The Traumatic Repository Partition
I (
Jane duh) was billed for all of the hospital bills incurred by the pool membership league due to the peeing in pool incident that supposedly imposed unnatural blurred vision to most of its members. The pool's manager declared that everyone in his pool had suffered severe -
Weapons of Mass Destruction Donald Rumsfeld scare tactic kinda "
Shock and Awe" thing...
Epilogue
Bear training in pools just does not work. I'm gonna take em for Japanese Karate lessons next (see image below). I should also stay focused on how well Cocoa Puff's nose diving went. oh well. I will at some point. I'm one tough cookie.
THE MORAL OF THIS PAWS AND CLAWS STORY: Overcoming feelings of failure and loss requires Skill and Cunning. Not pizza. And not crowded pools. Well said Jane. But does your peeing bear reflect some kind of bizarre subconscious (actually conscious cause you wrote it while being wide awake I assume) notion of unsuccessful limit settings, boundaries and impulsivities experienced by the dead borderline who instigated the pizza party dilemma to begin with ? Good question mate. I'll have to think about that one when my next xtra pepperoni pizza slice arrives. (burp)
Cliffnote
My next film will have the bears, a concorde plane and the hippie van in it. I am so excited about making this movie that I just peed in my pants. bye.
© 2012 Artists Rights Society (ARS).
Copyright © 2012, Jane Public.
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