"Paul Ryan's iphone just died on him, Pat."

Someone (we will call this someone- MERYL) ended up in some hospital room with no Family, Friends or Get Well Soon cards is suing an area hospital and MERYL'S (i.e. the someone) anesthesiologist for allegedly putting a mustache and a few bumper stickers on MERYL'S face during a life-depending surgery as part of a prank that MERYL claims violated MERYL'S dignity and endangered MERYL'S feelings.

-SAD. GUT WRENCHING. MY GOD, LIFE CAN BE A REAL BEEYOTCH.

The unidentified MERYL, who worked as a moonlighting G.I.(government issued), avant-garde filmmaker and  low-down degenerate, near that hospital said hospital workers affixed a fake mustache above MERYL'S lip and yellow tear drops below MERYL'S left eye before a nurse snapped a photo with an out-dated iPHONE of a ton of politically charged bumper stickers from the 1970's across the hoodwinked idiot savant, according to MERYL'S lawsuit.

"This happened only hours before the Presidential State of the Union Address and smells awful fishy to me. Like bad fish," stated a youthful and angry looking pedestrian named Paul Ryan.

"Perhaps the most vulnerable position any human being will ever endure in their life is a time when they are placed under full anesthesia and forced to succumb and bow down to any damn online UN-AFFORDABLE CARE ACTS," Ryan muttered. "Life just doesn't work that way. Nuthin's that easy."

"I got nothing from nobody in that hospital!" reads the lawsuit, which claims the bumper stickers victim was fully anesthetized rather than sedated "for the sole purpose of humiliating and embarrassing the patient," claimed MERYL.

BUMPER STICKER EXHIBIT #1

"Sad. Horrible. True. And rumors of a nurse station being bugged remain under deep scrutiny."

-My God.

MERYL filed a lawsuit with a cover page titled, "The Laissez-Faire Meryl Lynching Scare" against the Dr. of the Memorial Medical Center in County Superior court.

A jailhouse lawyer for MERYL has not returned request for comment.

BUMPER STICKER EXHIBIT #2

-My God.

The Memorial Medical Hospital acknowledged the mustache and bumper sticker photo incident in a statement to ABC News, saying the prank was "intended to be humorous in nature." And although the anesthesiologist and the nurse "demonstrated poor judgment," the hospital maintains that most of MERYLS allegations are "factually inaccurate, grossly exaggerated or fabricated. Duh."

"This scandal is complete and utter bullshit," an undocumented illegal alien and part-time janitor uttered. "Pardon my heavy accent but I get paid under the table dude, and I have never heard of any person named Pat around this place. Is that name even from this country? It ain't a name I've ever heard in my country, that's for sure. But don't tell anyone that shit. Keep a lid on it."

                         BUMPER STICKER EXHIBIT #3

-My God.

"While the breach of professionalism outlined above regrettably did occur, Memorial Medical Center is vigorously defending this lawsuit and requesting its dismissal," the statement reads, stressing that anesthesiologist and the patient were "friendly" and "had a good working relationship and even talked about dogs that they liked before the surgery took place."

"Stop wasting our time with this non-sense. Tort reform anyone? TORT!!!! HELLLO!!!"

MERYL claims in the lawsuit that MERYL was unable to return to work because of "mental anguish" and "emotional and physical distress" prompted by the prank and lack of "compassion."

Beyond the "intentional infliction of emotional distress," MERYL's accusing the hospital of defamation, invasion of privacy, negligence and civil bumper sticker conspiracy as well as battery for forcibly "placing obscene images on a face" and positioning a neck "so that they could keep MERYL'S mouth open in order to make a crude sexual joke."

-MY GOD.  I'm (JANE's) BACK.

BYE.